Can you really forget when you have forgive? Or does the pain that it caused you in the past lingers around in your mind intermittently, especially when you are reminded of it? I have no idea. But I can't say I am the forgetting type. Yes, I forgive. I have forgiven many mistakes before, but I can't say I fully forget. Sometimes it's like a tape, replaying over and over again, and sometimes, even the tape can re-hurt you once more. I try to let go, turning a new leaf, but there are times when my heart is just torn into pieces, unrepairable.
Does everyone deserve a second chance? How can we tell? By tears, effort or hard work? What does second chances even mean, cause it will mean nothing when you just use it to hurt the people that love you over and over again. Second chances could be taken for granted. It could also be a life changing point of someone. How are we to know which one is which?
I'm in a current state of dilemma. I don't know if I have fully forgiven, and I can't deny that I also have never forget.
But people make mistakes. Someone I cared dearly and love deeply has made a stupid decision once in her life. She did something stupid. Over a year ago, when I first thought that I could hate her forever, that I don't have to care anymore about her. It hurts so bad when someone you love lies to you and does bad things an the worst part is, you don't even know how to tell them that what they're doing is wrong as you just can't find the right words.
Today I met her after a very long time, we had a chat, and I accidentally said something that happen over a year ago. She cried, and told me that she had wanted to forget about everything that has happened in the past. She said she's used to live alone, all by herself. I realized then that I could not, not care for her. She's like my own flesh and blood, and I love her deeper than I realized. I think she was sincere, if not a great actress to be able to shed tears like what I have just seen.
I made her promise that she will be good, and not to be who she was in the past. She needs to prove herself, as no one will believe anything unless it is proven.
I want to give her a second chance to face life, a second chance to prove herself. I'll be here if she needs me, as long as she doesn't lie to me anymore. I'm trying to find it in my heart to really forgive her, lock the past in a chest and throw the key away. Most of all, I would want to love her like a sister again, a feeling I once felt. I miss her, I really do.
I can never say that I can forget though how hard I try. It's going to be difficult, something that only time can tell. And time is not kind. It's uncertain, mean and cold. But if given time, then I will wait. I am not in the position to judge, not punish. I should be the one to forgive, to guide and help.
But don't break my heart twice, cause after that, there is nothing left in me to believe.
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