Before you left, we made a promise to write in that little book. To share what we felt at times when we were apart. I had mine, you had yours. And before we went our separate ways, we made that promise. A promise to stay true. A promise to share.
You left. And I was numb. I can't feel anything, I was lost.
I kept my promise, I wrote in that book. Everything I felt, what went on with me in my life.
But then I found out you didn't keep your words. You didn't write a single thing. You claim you were busy with your life.
I had to act like I understood, when truth is, my heart crumbled with those words.
Till now, I still have the book with me. I don't read it anymore, not like I used to.
But I flipped its pages today. And that feeling came. And I had to hold my breath to let it pass by.
My heart is just as vulnerable as how my feelings was then. Even today. Even tomorrow. As my shattered heart will never be the same again. It might be stronger,could be weaker, but not, never the same.
Many a times in life you tell yourself that people just don't understand you, that you are different from others, that you are just being who you are. You tell those close to you that it is what you think is right, and everything you did had a purpose.
And at that very same time you question why can't people see it your way, and just try to be in your shoes for a change. You wonder what is so wrong about the way you think or act, and you want everyone to think just like you. Do the things you do, say yes to the things you like, no to the things you don't like, smile to your friends and hate your enemies.
But have you tried to look into another person's eyes and see it their way??
No. No one has. I haven't.
I may say I lead a more difficult life than yours, and you can say the same thing. In the end, we will just be arguing over and over about the same thing, without an ending. And where will that put us? One will win, one will lose. But what does it mean?
Self satisfaction will only go so far, as in the end you realize that you are still alone.
I know for a fact that it is not easy to accept. Found out something, and the next thing you know is you're digging for more answers.
I'm learning the hard way to accept someone's past. It is not just by saying sorry. How would you know what you did then will be something you regret today? Knowing how difficult it is to be honest about actions in the past is the first step.
People make mistakes all the time. So do I.
Accepting that people are different from you is the most difficult of all. But most important is to have a stand in life, not to just follow the direction the wind blows. People are different, in every single way imaginable. And it doesn't make them bad people, just, different.
I am for a fact glad I had to undergo all this. It is not easy, but I'll make it though, step by step. Sometimes I take a pause, sometimes I slow down, but I'm not going backwards.
I no longer believed in the idea of soulmates. Someone who just happen to be the person, 'the one' for you. Love at first sight is not realistic anymore, not when people are chasing dream, and with that they chase time in the process.
I've been hurt countless of times, by myself, by not being able to express myself to the one that I love hurts me to the core. An encounter with my old diary of 2007, and another notebook that meant so much to me, but might not mean as mush to the other. I don't know. Could it be time? What went wrong? Tell me how am I suppose to keep on fighting for something that is just not there? Something I can't feel.
I tried to hold on to the words, to the promises, but no. It hurts. And reading just one single entry in it, all the feelings of that moment came rushing back, drowning me, suffocating me that I had to reach out for air.
Maybe then it was because I was looking for the way to be perfect in your eyes, not realizing that the little imperfections of the both of us combined is what makes it stronger.
Being in and out of love happens to everyone. One second, you think this person is 'the one'. Then you try to hide every imperfection with hope that he will somehow see everything you gave up. But then you grow up and realize there is another definition of love out there, one that does not require tears and uncertainties all the time.
I realize that I'm not 'the girl' every guy would like. I don't have the looks, or anything that would make me attractive in their eyes. Even, I'm not the type of person someone would even have a good first impression on. Maybe it is because I'm too gedik and manja. =P Not maybe. It is. LoL. But whatever. I know I can't change the way people think and see. My mind is not transparent, neither are theirs. Jugding are purely their right. So be it.
But honestly, I'm lucky. Being a girl who can't really demand to have prince charming as a boyfriend, I'm lucky to have someone who fulfills my own criteria.
1. Talks to me for hours on the phone till I fall asleep, and wakes up for another long conversation if I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep
2. Treats me like a kid, a teenager and an adult all in the same time
3. Listens to me when all I need is not advice but someone to just shut up and hear me out
4. Tells me that I'm wrong and is willing to help me change
5. Reminds me everytime I made a mistake
6. Builds the confidence in me
7. Holds me when I'm scared, or lonely, or tired, or sad
8. Looks into my eyes and tell me he loves me
9. Fights for me
I need that. Just that. And it's perfect =)
You might have your own reasons for being unable to own up and explain yourself about me. But as long as you fight for me, that is enough.
ps: I'm sorry for not being good in pulling out surprises, I've never done anything like that in my entire life. But the cupcake was nice, no? Hahahha =P