Sunday, November 27, 2011

Disappointment, For the Love of Music

I LOVE singing, though I know I don't have an angelic voice. I sing to entertain myself or just simply.

I have been to a lot of karaoke centres, KTV, Redbox, Superstar, you name it. It is hard for me to say no even if i have just been karaoke-ing the previous night.

Due to my love in karaoke, when an offer came for just RM40 for 4 people for 3 hours, I had to purchase the Groupon. It was at Facekara, at Viva Homes. I've never been to Viva Homes, but all my previous experiences were awesome, so I thought, why not?

And yes, I think you figured that it was a total disappointment. Why?

1. I called to book on Thursday for the midnight session from 11pm to 2am, and the person said that he had our rooms booked. He also told us that we have 2 complementary snacks and 2 complementary tidbits which could be changed to whatever say 3 tidbits or 4 snacks or whatever. Snacks in Redbox means chicken wings and those sort, so I was looking forward to change all my tidbits into snacks. Upon arrival we were told that we couldn't do that. I didn't wanna argue much, so I just walked into our room.

2. When Era was singing Siti Nurhaliza's Sendiri, suddenly the electricity went out! Imagine that. Thank goodness they had some backup so the lights were up in no time, but their computer system crashed. Era had to leave by 1 so she couldn't continue singing which was really sad since it has been a while since I went out with her. We spent almost 45minutes waiting for the system to reboot or something, and we were told that we were granted another hour. And all that we had was just another bowl of chips -.-" Honestly, the least you could do is give everyone another round of drinks or something.

3. So our 3 hour karaoke which should end at 2 was postponed to 3, or so we thought. At 1.45am our screen went blank. I went to the main counter and complained, thank goodness she gave us another extra hour. I mean seriously, our original time hasn't ended, what more the extra time given. I was rather pissed, but I decided to just keep quiet.

4. Previously, in other karaoke centers, even if you time is up and you are still singing they will allow you to finish up the song. But Chia was singing and the screen went blank and we were like -.-"

5. The juice and carbonated drinks are RM2, but the mineral water is RM6! And there is nothing special about it, AT ALL

So we were walking to the car when the 6th incident happen

6. The guard locked ALL the doors to the parkings!!! I mean seriously, as a guard working for that particular building, don't you know that there is a karaoke centre which closes at 3 on the weekends. And worst, he was like, "why aren't you guys back?" and all I did was give him "the look" as I did not have the energy to reply.

So, I made a conclusion that i will NEVER go there again. Alamanda's karaoke is way better, and even the karaoke stalls are 3000% better! I just spent 4 hours wasting my time there. But oh well, I did enjoyed a few song selections.

Ps: the actual price for that place is RN179! Imagine wasting THAT much money.... -.-"

Friday, November 25, 2011

Just That Moment

Reminds me of that small boy I encountered.

Rest in peace love :')

I'm still trying to be strong in facing death, though I know I can never be strong enough. O God help me, I need guidance.

Monday, November 14, 2011

For Everything I Have Been Through

I spent the weekend at Mama's since adik and Aty was going to start their first paper of SPM on Monday. Seeing them study and all, makes me miss my times in high school, everything that happened, my friends, my teachers, my friends from outside school and those who made my high school life bearable.

It has been almost six years since I finished my SPM. Time does fly, and when I think about it, it is as if I can see that whatever happened, happens for a reason. Things that I was so devastated about in the past, that would make me cry for days seemed like the things that made me stronger each day.

Almost five years ago I gave up my dream of studying abroad and went to a local medical college due to some unavoidable circumstances. Only God knows how sad I was then. Studying abroad was my childhood dream, I wanted to go back to where I grew up, simply as I never felt like I have ever fit in here. I don't have any friends there, nor was I ever in touch with any of my school mates then, but I wanted to be there so badly.

Since I was in primary school, I had the feeling of not belonging. My thinking was different, my acts were different. Going through high school was a roller coaster ride and I found my best friends there. But that was it. After we finished our SPM, we went our own ways. Though we still met up for dinners and slumber sessions, but things will never be the same. I can't just run to them when I was sad and we are now busy with our own obligations and responsibilities.

University life was totally different than anything, though come to think about it, it was just a mixture of people not able to let go of their childhood and those who thinks their too cool for school and a rare bunch of normal kids. Me? I'm the outcast. I never felt like I would ever fit in, though I tried. And in the end people just look at me like I'm faking it, and I decided to exclude myself from anything that could bring harm to my emotions anymore. Trying to fit in, just to be excepted is exhausting, and in the end I'm just never good enough and I know it. I stay close to the people who I know will be there for me, and I thank God I have found a handful of saviors.

Anyway, I went through my first two years of medical school quite okay. I can tell for one thing that I was no longer the nerd I used to be. Maybe deep inside I was rebelling, and all I thought was that I just wanted to pass everything and get through with it. I stayed with my older sister though we didn't really talk much. Not that we were not close, she was too busy as she has just entered her clinical years and I was barely awake each time she got home.

As I entered my third year, my life turned 180 degrees. Adik went to a boarding school, in a campus where I once was, and trust me she was not easy to handle. The first NINE months that she was there was spent on the phone crying her heart out, telling me that she wants to quit. My parents are not around and I had no idea what to do. All I could do was to talk to her and calm her down.

But what she did affected everything, my emotions, my studies and my time. I'm not a parent, and I have no idea of how to console a crying child in a boarding school. I wouldn't say that boarding school to me was all flowers and butterflies, but I'm sure I didn't call my parents crying my heart out. I distanced from friends who tried to help me as I was mad if they got mad at me for always entertaining adik's emotional blast and in the end I was cranky most of the time. All I wanted was someone to talk to and no one was there. I hate it when they question my actions in such an accusing manner, I hate it that the only person that I used to talk to was thousands of miles apart and that I couldn't reach to, I hate it that I was to blame if anything went wrong when I have poured my heart and soul into it, and I hate it when I was accused of being irresponsible and pampering.

But every dark cloud has its silver lining. Apart from me being an emotional wreck and depressed most of the time, and apart from not concentrating in class and jeopardizing my studies, what happened brought us, kakak, adik and I closer together. Not that we were not close before, but we became inseparable. I learn the qualities of parenting (single parent, mind you) and how to tolerate with stress. In the end, I think I became a better sister. I learned to listen to adik's problem and helped solving them, I learned to be patient and generous, I learned to divide my time between my own luxury, my studies and my family.

When I realize that adik is ending her school days soon, I get really emotional. My baby sister is finally a grown up, and I hope that we will be close like this forever.

My life has not been all happy. I lost a lot of things along the way, mainly my dreams and my first love. Yet I gained a lot as well. Sometimes when we are denied from something that we want, we will always find ways to blame and point fingers without realizing there are a million other better things waiting for us to reveal. I'm still learning to be satisfied with all that I have, and I know that if I work hard enough, someday my dreams will come true. And if it does not, then it is just not meant to be and there is something better stored for me, someday :)

I really hope adik does well in her exams. I'm just like a proud parent :P

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Best Friends Forever

As promised, this is my book review for the book I bought in the Big Bad Wolf Booksale.

Best Friends Forever, by Jennifer Weiner. What made me bought the book in the first place was because I've read In Her Shoes which was also written by her, and yes, the cover was attractive :p And I did read the synopsis first mind you!

So this book revolves around Adelaide Downs, an overweight girl whose life changed drastically with the presence of a new girl in her small town in Illinois - Valerie Alder. Their friendship grew stronger each day till one incident at high school brought them apart.

Fifteen years of silent treatment between the two best friends, Addie, who has lost so much weight, enough to be considered normal, heard a knock on her door. It was indeed unusual, but she had a feeling that she knew the person behind that door, her long lost friend, Val.

This story is about trying to make it right for the lost times, when things are not always what it seemed. It shows that some people may superficially look happy, that they are content and pleased with their life when actually on the inside they are hurting.

Sometimes in life we don't really know what we want and we tend to make the wrong decisions, and everything comes with a price. Some things get better, some just let the feud go on forever. It all depends on you. Some even take time, years to be repaired.

This story shows the value of friendship, the way a girl will never say no to her best friend even though she knows that it means bad news, even if her best friend has hurt her so much in the past. And it takes only communication to understand, to really understand what lies beneath beautiful clothes or a pretty face.

This book also has a value of mystery on its own. You would go on wondering what happened to Addie and Val as their childhood flashbacks shows two happy girls, the comes the contrast of Val's personality and everything.

This book is also about loneliness felt by a girl who lost everything so fast - first her best friend, then the world despised her, then the sudden death of her father followed by her mother suffering from cancer. And this girl had no one left for her as her brother is mentally ill after a fatal accident almost took his life. She was left with nothing.

In a nutshell, this book is about acceptance, to accept who you are, to accept and have peace with the past and to accept that it is time to move on.

I didn't really finish this book overnight. I was disciplined enough not to let this book interfere with my studies or anything, but is was a good read :)

That Girl

When I was young I always wanted to be the girl who can make a change. I wanted to be noticed, to be appreciated .

After years of trying, I noticed that I was not only troubling myself, I made people take me for granted. I would say things like 'I'll always be there when you need me' and I will literally get that kind of attention - only when you need me.

I thought it was okay, that everyone is like that. Before I realize that I'm doing the maximum harm to myself. Not physically, emotionally. I always wonder if I am at fault, if I am the reason for something to happen, especially when it is bad. I never think I was good enough.

I was talking to my friend the other night and what she said stunned me, " Everyone wants to be that girl Nana, even me." And it got me thinking that I am not alone in this hoping and wishing and dreaming and everything in between.

Some of you reading this might think I'm exaggerating things. Think all you want, as you might see me as a happy girl dancing and smiling all the time, but you would never understand what is happening inside my life. I'm not living a dream life where you could envy me for, I'm just living to be happy.

I wanted to be that girl that could change, but it changed me instead. And sometimes trying to satisfy hurts so much, when I know there is always something wrong, and I am never ever good enough.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

When Nothing Is Left But Sorry

I'm sorry, for losing my temper the night you told me Louis proposed you
I'm sorry for not waiting longer in the Empire State Building
I'm sorry for trading you like property
I'm sorry, I didn't tell you I loved you when I knew I did
Most of all I'm sorry that I gave up on us, and you never did
You're always there for the people you love, even when they don't deserve it

They say every road comes to an end, but sometimes the end feels just like the beginning

Watched Gossip Girl today and cried. :(

Maybe all you need is the ability to forgive yourself.

Sometimes I wonder if two people are meant to be together, what does it actually mean? Is it just a feeling, an instinct, prediction, a dream? Could we be so blinded?

Time passes you by no matter what you do. What does never too late means, when you can't get there at all?

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do

Monday, November 7, 2011

Of Lost

We seldom remember that all we have now is temporary, and that one day everything will be taken away, just like that. At that point in time, all we've done through all the years would seem insignificant, and that we are heading to somewhere greater.

Yet the small things in life influences our life the most. We would be searching for our phones like mad if we noticed it missing even for 5 minutes, wondering if we missed any calls or messages, we would shop for pretty clothing and bags and shoes. Sometimes we even postpone our prayers during our times in the shopping mall.

Today we receive bad news - a lecturer just passed away.

He suffered from metastasized malignancy, and after going through a lot - chemotherapy and all, he finally breathed his last breath earlier today.


He was the head of department when I did my first clinical posting, Community Medicine, and trust me he was so tough on us. We hardly get enough rest! I remember staying up till 4am and presenting for 3 hours the following day. We even stayed up all night to finish up our presentation.

Looking back to those days, I believe it has made me and my group mates stronger, and closer bonded to each other. He was just teaching us to be tough, and not to whine and simply give up.

A great lecturer? Indeed.

I haven't had the luxury to see him much after the posting, and each time my friends went to his house I had something else planned with my family, and now I know it is too late to regret, but I wished I could see him for one last time.

It is weird to miss him this much, but I do miss him.

He was influential, dedicated and helpful. And he was always there.

Prof Bakar, I pray that you will be placed among the Believers, and insyaAllah I will always remember your advice =') Thank you for everything.

If I could, I would like to make amends to everyone I encounter in life. I don't know if I would ever live to see another day, or if I'll die in my sleep. And in the end, it doesn't matter who is at fault. All I would want to say to everyone is that I'm sorry, and thank you for being a great addition to the colours of my life.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

You Had Me at Hello

Last Saturday I went back to Mama’s immediately after Dr. Shu’s Saturday class as I thought I had to babysit the two exam-to-be girls at home. So it happens that mama decided not to go back to Melaka and the two girls went to their SPM study group (I didn’t have one then :P)

Anyway, I was homealone that evening since everyone had errands to run and I was carless. Huhu. So I browsed the TV and stopped at an epic love story – Jerry Maguire.

Remember this quote? Here, let me remind you the scene…

I can’t find the clip of what happened before that. But let me remind you about the story.

Jerry married Dorothy as he can’t be alone, and he knew that Dorothy will support him no matter what. Did he love her? Well, maybe?

Then he became so absorbed in his work life that he started to abandon Dorothy and her son, leaving her even emptier than she already was, being again, the oldest 26 year old girl alive. That night their talk at the lawn..

Dorothy: I took advantage of you and worst of all, I'm not alone. I did this with a kid. I was just on some ride where I thought I was in 1ove enough for both of us. I did this. And at least I can do something about it now.

Jerry: Well -- I'm not the guy who's going to run. I stick.

Dorothy: I don't need you to "stick."

Jerry: What do you want from me? My soul?

Dorothy: Why not? I deserve that much.

Jerry: What if I'm just not built that way?

Dorothy: I think we made a mistake here.

Jerry: What if it's true? "Great at friendship bad at intimacy." I mean, come on. It's the theme of my bachelor party film --

Dorothy: I know. I watched it. I sort of know it by heart.

Jerry: I don't like to give up.

Dorothy: Oh please. My need to make the best of things, and your need to be what, "responsible"... if one of us doesn't say something now we might lose ten years being polite about it. Why don't we call this next road trip what it is. A nice long break.

Jerry: What about Ray?

Dorothy: There's no question you'll be friends. Of course you'll be friends.

Jerry: So this break... is a break-up.

Dorothy: Come on, Jerry. You know this isn't easy for me. I mean, on the surface, you'd almost think everything was fine. See, I've got this great guy who loves my kid -- and he sure does like me a lot. I can't live that way. It's not the way I'm built.

I know for a fact that it is difficult to say goodbye to that one person you love, that in the end no matter what you do you will always turn back to them, and accept them just the way they are. Because THAT is how girls, women are built.

Sometimes guys take what we take too seriously, like when we say it is over, all we want is for you guys to say that it is not, that you want to make it right, to make it better.

If you don’t say so, she’ll wait for a while, then she’ll meet someone who can treat her better, and someone who can SHOW her that she is loved. It is definitely not fair to expect to be loved when you don’t love in return, is it?

Maybe you’re mad at her, so ignore her for a while, but don’t shut her off and make her think that you just don’t effin’ care, because she does. And for the millionth time, when she says ‘Give me time’, it means you just give her SOME time, not FOREVER. If you want her, she will definitely want you back.

I know the mind of a lady is as complex as they way she chooses the dress she wants to wear every single day. We are meant to be like that, and sorry, we can’t help it. Sometimes we just blurt things out without thinking. Sometimes we overthink things, and we care for the smallest details. Personally I know it’s not easy to understand all this, as sometimes I also feel that my feelings are taking over my mind. Emotionally driven? Definitely!

Well, in Jerry Maguire, Jerry came back. And he said a lot of things, what he didn’t know was he had already had her heart back with hello.

Is it that simple? Trust me, it is.

Just don’t let time wear off what she feels, and make her think that you don’t care when you do, that’s all.

Honestly, Jerry Maguire is one of my favourite love stories of all time. It reminds me of my high school days when we would cramp the recreation room just to watch it J