Friday, August 27, 2010
The week has been kinda long and tiring, yet fun and exciting in another way.
I'm leaving to Terendak on Sunday, so I was literally texting everyone from my previous group to have iftar with me. Syazz ALMOST joined me in Nelayan, yet I managed to get her to come with me on Thursday and Friday!~ Heeeeeee... I also had iftar with Wafaa too, oh, I miss having iftar and Sahur in Sepang with them!~ =(
Friday = Holiday = FUN!
Syazz and I had iftar together and Era came over for a little girly girl time =) It was super fun! Heeee... I'm gonna miss my dolls so much!
It's gonna be a long three weeks, and I don't think I'll be coming back to KL during the weekends. Nothing to look forward to, really, and with the fasting going on, I doubt I'll be having the energy to drive all the way back to KL.
I think I'll be spending most of my time at my grandma's, since I haven't had much time there yet. The last time I've been home was during my cousin's wedding, and it has been months since.
Oh well, I hope I'll get the attitude right, I need to start studying. Our exams will only be after the final week of the second posting. I hope I don't get too relaxed. Since ortho is holidays, anyway.
It's a big weekend for some of us. Events and all. Wishing you all the best. I hope this weekend will be the beginning to a never ending happiness in your life. =)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Some girls go frantic when they see the number on the weighing scale goes up, even by just one digit. Then they start to wonder what they had for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the whole month! Then they start to count the calories they had taken, and worst, they stop eating altogether!
Some of these girls end up binge eating, where they eat A LOT of food at once, and the next thing they do is stop eating. And the vicious cycle goes on and on and on.
Is it really important to be all thin and slim??
I used to have no problem with my weight till I started to eat a lot during my first professional examination preparation. Eating makes me less stressed up, and yea, I ate almost all the time. Most of the members from my study group gained extra pounds towards the examination.
And daddy got really mad! =(
He gave me a long lecture about weight gaining and having a healthy life. It's not that I was obese or even overweight or anything, it's just that it's NOT YET. And you would regret the day you're diagnosed with chronic conditions like that.
So after my examinations, I went into this ultimate realization where I had to lose weight. I HAVE to! I noticed most of my friends gained weight throughout the exam season and holidays, so I managed to gather up a few friends and we TRIED to lose weight by eating healthily.
It took a lot of courage and support, as I have left sports since forever that I can remember *make that since I enrolled into med school* and I am nowhere near FIT!
But cutting off my diet was the best I did, though I rarely exercised. I was in 3rd year of medical school, and I hardly have any time to do anything! Oh fine, I am a nerd. Though that's not the reason I don't do outdoor activities. I really miss the days in Sunway when I actually had the spirit to do those stuff as all I needed was to go down the elevator, now it doesn't seem fun anymore. Haha.
Then Amar came and introduced me to wall climbing. Yea, it was super fun! Though I realized that my hands and legs get super shaky. I easily panic, and that was a real problem to me.
Up till today, I am still nowhere near fit! Haha. But thank goodness the diet worked out.
Now, my official weight is 43kgs. Back to basics =)
What I realize today is that the figure on the weighing scale is just a set of digits. What most important is how you look, your body figure. I don't want just to be light, with no curves, a walking stick. And I definitely don't mind to have some extra kgs at the right places - if you know what I'm talking about *winks*
But above it all, the most important thing is to be healthy, no matter what you weigh or how you look like. I hate it when a person tells you that you should be thinner or fairer or prettier, as no one is perfect and you are just trying to pull a person's self esteem down. Be supportive, use the right words to tell them how they should be, and don't ever look down on them. They might not look so nice to you, but just angelic in another person's eyes.
And to all the girls out there, if a guy doesn't like you just because of the way you look or who you are, NEVER change for him, as he is definitely not worth it. One day you will find a guy who loves you for who you are, be it your looks, your voice, the way you carry yourself or the way you smell. And that is the man you've been looking for.
I've watched this movie a few years back, and it really tells you that superficial beauty is not what matters. What matters most is who you are on the inside, and that is all that matters.. =)
Everything happens for a reason. No matter how crushed you are, how bad things turn to, how lonely you might feel you are, just remember that there will always be a greater power up there who is controlling all the beings, controlling everything that happens, and nothing happens just simply. No one will understand, yet time will show. It will slowly teach you how to get up and fight, it will be your amour, your sword, your shield. And you'll be stronger by each passing second.
You've been through a lot and you wonder how to survive another day not knowing what will happen. You're scared of tomorrow and of its uncertainties that it brings, you long for comfort, protection and safety. At night, it's difficult even to close your eyes, as you do not want tomorrow to come so early. It makes you vulnerable not knowing, it makes you fragile not being able to predict, it makes you helpless with all the uncertainties. But another day dawns, another night is over. Can't you see that you've survived, you've made it through yet another night. Deep inside, you strength is building inside you, without you knowing, and one day, you'll realize that you are ready to face tomorrow no matter where it may lead you.
Sometimes things make a turn, to the better, or to the worst. They say that if things get worst, it means you only have to wait a little while longer for everything to be okay, as they took the long way to find you. I believe in destiny, though I don't know still what is installed for me. I know you do to. I hope this time it's a turn for the better, a blessing in disguise. We might not see it right now, but sooner or later, things will be alright. And I have always prayed that it'll be sooner.
Do you know that it breaks my heart to see you so vulnerable, when all I can do is just listen to you, helpless, not knowing how to make things right? Do you know it makes me feel worthless, like I should not even get in between and mingle with what you are facing, as I would not even have a slight idea of how to make you feel better. Do you know it hurts me to not be able to offer my help, as I don't know what to give, and that I feel so lost not being able to help. Each time you break down, all I could ever think of is just to hold you tight, to protect you from all the sufferings that succumb you, to save you from being drawn into it further than you already are. I always wished, hoped and prayed that my love for you would be enough to heal your broken heart, to cure your pain and be the remedy to the poison that is haunting your life.
Speechless as I am to all your problems, I appreciate the trust you gave me. I know it's hard for you to confide into someone, and I know it took a lot of your strength just to trust me and tell me everything. I know it hurts to be telling the same tale over and over again, when all you want is for everything to be just a bad dream, and you want to wake up to a day where it had never happen before, where everything is left, the dream catcher has done his job. Yet you are stuck in reality, and you realize there's no simple way out than to face the demons that has been haunting you, to fight back.
I can't promise I will ever understand, or even get to feel a percentage of what you're feeling. I can never be you. I can never even wish to be you. All I can promise is that I will always be here when you need me, a shoulder to cry on. My arms will be wide open to embrace you, to hold and protect you. I will never leave you, I will never abandon you, no matter how you try to push me away. And I will love you, now, always and forever, till whenever it may be, and I'll do whatever it takes to bring your smile back, and put your heart in peace.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I know it's not easy. Uncertainties will make your heart question your decisions, creating doubt in your mind. But I will try my best to not let those evil thought conquer me and consume me in. I will fight to keep my mind focused and my soul tranquil. Should there be any doubt, I wont let it tear me apart.
Right now I have my priorities, which are know are definite. What I should do at this very moment is unquestionable, as I have every answer to it. Then I will lay my plans gently, slowly, and so precise so that it will be perfect.
I pray that things will make a turn, and everything will be alright.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Oh well, I have always loved musicals. Name it, Cats, Phantom of the Opera, Miss Saigon, Hello Dolly, and a lot more, I know them all. I can even sing along with most of them. LoL. I would kill to be a part of a play, may it just to be the tree!!! Hahaha. It takes a lot to be in a big production like that, and I could love to be a part of something big and somehow magical to me.
Moulin Rouge is about a courtesan falling in love with a penniless writer, and had to go against all odds to be together, though in the end, she had to give in to a bigger power, more powerful than love itself.
The movie was about the Bohemian Revolution where a man went to the city of Paris, and accidentally accepting a job as a writer in a new musical Spectacular Spectacular. It is a combination of freedom, truth and love. And the songs sang in the movie were like my favourite!!!!! =) Oh, this movie is also hilarious! It's a combination of emotion you could ever feel!
There's two parts in this movie where they sing this song. I love this part the most =) Especially when the gun hit the Eiffel Tower =P
*I am freakishly posting a lot of songs lately!~ urgh!
It's definitely not easy saying honest things, saying the truth. People can assume a hundred things, yet without a clear explanation, no one could ever understand.
Sometimes you wonder if you could've made things turn out differently, if only this, or if only that.
I have my own deep regrets, things that I should have done in the past, that I should have said. Yet I held on to my silence, and I know time wont turn back, and the moment to say those things will be gone forever. Even if I do say it in the future, it will change nothing, it could change nothing.
Today I pledge not to keep things that I feel to myself. I don't want to live my life wondering what could have been...
I pray you'll be happy
No matter what you do
I pray you'll smile
Without pain in your soul
I pray just to be with you
To hold you, and to have you
To have you to keep
Even after forever ends
I pray you'll believe
That one day things will be alright
I pray you'll find your peace
And able to embrace it forever
I pray we'll be given guidance
To go through our everyday life
For us to decide our paths
And not regret the road taken
I pray to be able to understand you
The tears and sorrow
The laughter and joy
The good and the bad
I pray to be able to heal
Every broken heart
Every worry that comes
And make you smile just once
I pray to forever be by your side
No matter what life brings us through
Come what may
I will love you, till my dying day
Monday, August 16, 2010
The lyrics of this song is so deep, not just about someone watching their loved ones sleeping, but about not missing a single moment that presents in life. I would love to have someone watch me sleep, *sounds like Twilight, right?* though the next thought it would be creepy and deeply embarrassing too. Haha. I don't even know how I look like when I close my eyes, how worst it could be when I'm sleep! Urgh don't remind me!! I loved a line in The Expendables last night, "One day you'll be happy to find a man who just wants to watch you sleep." Can I have him to keep, please????
Oh, adik likes a guy who likes to watch her sleep, then again, she also wants someone who can sparkle in the sun. So yea. LoL.
It's true, that we shouldn't let anything in life stop us from appreciating what matters most to us. Sometimes we have to let go of something in order to gain something, and sometimes we just need to fight for our rights, if it is worth fighting for. But knowing which one to let go, and which one to hold on to will forever remain a mystery, until the day we actually take the step and face the music.
Life doesn't give you choices. It gives you options to pick, and when you have, you can't turn back.
There were some things lingering in my mind, intensified with doubt. But now my greatest fear is gone, and I know that it is mine to keep =)
I don't want to miss my life, waiting for something that will never come, or miss it by holding on. I don't want to miss the things that I have let go, things that have brought me up, or things that have defined me in the past. I might not be the same little girl I once was, so help me please in redefining myself.
There are times when I wonder if what I have done the right choice by giving up... Only time can tell, and if it doesn't I guess maybe I wont find out here, I will in the hereafter.
I'm insecure and scared, at times I'm so vulnerable and fragile. I'm scared of things that I'm uncertain of, things that I could never understand. And I'm also scared that I would lose it all, and have nothing to hold on to.
Just bear with me for a moment, hold me tight, and I'll be alright.
I'm now home, having a one week holiday. I have a lot of things on my mind waiting to be done. Let's start with watching all the movies in the laptop =) And a long list of food I would want for iftar.. Hahaha... I only have a one day holiday for raya, so mind me please =) Heeeeeee///
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Well, he hated me at first sight. I guess many of you do too. Not that I care, but just don't judge me before getting to know me first. Cause if you still hate me after knowing who I am, that's totally fine :) But if you decide to listen to other people, then I would suggest, please leave.
Then the first text message brought us to unstoppable conversations about everything under the sun. I enjoyed texting and talking to him so much.
Moving into Sunway, he went to INTEC, and was about to go to Australia, but there were some problems, so he had to continue his studies in IMU.
Last night, he left for Ireland.
At this very second, I miss him...
He's a friend, a brother, a critic and everything in between. He is bold, he tells you stuff that hurts your feelings the most, but most of them are true. He's judgmental, but he is able to change his first impression.
Oh, he is also a really good sweet talker. LoL...
Whenever I am down, or there are things bothering me, he'll be the one I'll call. I just need to listen to his silly jokes, and everything will be alright.
I know things have change between us, a lot. You've found new friends, I've found new friends too. But one thing that will never change is our friendship. Thank you for always being there for me, helping me getting through the hardships of life, the little tiny bits of it, the big chunky parts too. I know sometimes your advice are just jokes, not meant to be taken seriously, and some of them are too painful to bear, but you always thought the best of your friends, and that's why, though whatever people say about us, we will stick up for each other.
I wish you all the best. Things will definitely change when you come back next summer, and I really hope that I will be able to meet you in London soon! But my number wont change, so you'd better call me soon. Haha. Be good, study hard, 'cousin'. Take care, and just remember, you always have a friend in me. =)
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Then I had to rush back to meet my supervisor for my proposal. There was a huge traffic jam at Jalan Tun Razak, so I was kinda late. Oh well. She was waiting for us already, but we met her for barely 5 minutes!
That night, I went to Williams Kelana Jaya with a few friends. We were aiming to eat as much as we could before fasting. Haha. Syazz almost finished a whole meal. Pity her, she didn't like her drink. Ok Syaz, next time I'll stop you from ordering anything with avocado in it, okay????? Heeeeeee. I'm really gonna miss this cute girl once we're posted in our clinical rotation. I guess I'll be calling her now and then anyway. Syazz, thanks for always being there, and I'm really sorry for everything you had to put up to. I really appreciate you as my friend and I'm blessed to have one like you. I would not want to ask for anyone else!! =) No one to gossip and tell my deepest secrets! You are so going into my top 10 list of most dialed numbers sayang! Hahahahah.
Then the first day of Ramadhan, we had a loooooooooooooong day of presentations. There were 18 groups and we ended the day at almost 5pm! The Q&A were not as scary as we thought it could be. Heeeee. Prof. R was kinda funny throughout the whole posting and we decided it is because it's not clinical - yet. Heeeeeee.....
A couple of friends and I went to OU for Iftar in Seoul Garden Restaurant. The traffic was horrible, but the food was amazing, and we spent almost 3 hours there! Our tummies were full and we went home happily ever after =) I wished Syazz and Era could've join us yesterday. Maybe we'll plan that for another time!!~
My parents are both here, though their flight was delayed last night. Huuuuu. And last night I had a bad, bad, bad, gastric attack! Urgh! I still can't comprehend why I had gastric when I had A LOT for iftar. Mummy brought me to HPJ and when I was called, it was Dr. J. Hahahah. Funny, he thought I was Kakak. Oh, whateva. I insisted on injection, which resulted in immediate side effect of light headed-ness!! I had be observed for over an hour in the A&E. Thankfully nothing happened later on and I was allowed home. I am grateful that I actually took the injection, if not I wont be able to fast today. Huuuuu.... It was 3.30am when we arrived home, and mummy immediately prepared the sahur.
So today I did not go to class since I had trouble waking up. My tummy was okay up to the evening, well, I don't really expect it to be 100% okay, not by fasting. I finally found the answer I was looking for! I had gastric not because I didn't eat, but because I did not have rice!!!!! Hahahah. I am such a rice-lover, since I was young. Mummy kept on insisting on that fact! Haha.
Anyway, tomorrow is officially the final day of REBM. I can't wait to go back to fast at home!!! Oh, adik's coming back every weekend. Haha. Good for her. I hope she finds it in the heart to accept the school. She's in good hands now, and I hope she'll be fine =)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Ahlan Ya Ramadhan,
we've been waiting for you =)
May this year's be better than the last.
And to those little kids just starting to learn how to fast, don't worry, everyone gets hungry, we will just have to learn to get through it together =)
*Thanks for the iftar!~
**Mummy & daddy coming tonight, a perfect sahur for the family... missing adik!
***Another 14 proposal presentations tomorrow
****One week holiday coming!~
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
..... trying to hurt myself over and over again?
..... trying hard to understand things that I never could?
..... trying to untangle knots made by previous mistakes?
..... being so cold hearted?
..... finding it hard to forgive?
..... finding it hard to forget?
..... keep on blaming myself?
..... cry myself to sleep?
..... miss you though you're just there?
It's Monday, and tomorrow will be the last day we could eat in broad daylight. Ramadhan's coming, everyone is excited. Me too!! =) I still remember those days when I was younger, I used to play all day to avoid thinking of food, and it works! My cousins and I will sew new clothes for our barbie dolls and even give them a new haircut for the coming Eid. Haha. My parents told me that we'll be spending Raya in Kelantan. I prefer spending the Raya in Melaka, but oh well, anywhere would do. I only have 3 days holiday, so it wont make much difference anyway.
I'll be having one week holiday before I commence into my clinical posting, and my first posting will be orthopedics! I might need to go to Melaka for a maximum diration of 3 weeks, but oh well, it's like holiday there. Haha.
So, what have I learn in REBM?
1. Research proposals
2. How to conduct a study
3. ........ hahahahah
I can't wait for the one week holiday next week! Gonna spend all my time at home doing literally nothing. Oh, I have some shopping to do. Now, where's my shopping partner??????
Monday, August 9, 2010
Just a 5 letter word, a simple word, yet the meaning of it is understood less by many. Sometimes when you easily give it away, to every single person you encounter in life, they will use it against you, trying to bring you down with each opportunity available. How these cold-hearted people could even live with warm blood running through their veins, I really wonder.
I learn not to trust everyone close to me, the real cold and hard way. Sometimes you just have to learn things the other way round, so it will stick into your head and remain there for eternity. You just have to go through all the aches and pain the world could give to at last find a true friend, someone who will be there for you, and will stick by your side. The person might not be the same person you held hands when you were young, might not be the same person you tried to comfort when the world turns its back on her, might not be the same person you once stood up for. It might just be a stranger, brought to you by life in an event called destiny. You might have not thought that he or she could be the one, but then with God's will, you find out, and you have a true friend.
I am NOT perfect. I have never been, never will be. There are times I need reminders, there are times I need guidance. Sometimes, I feel like it is a sin not being able to put your feet on the ground, when all around you people are hanging too. It is so bad to lose control, loose your touch for just a split second, not recognizing who you are? Is it wrong wanting to cry out loud, being the baby or child you were once before.
I have hurt, and been hurt countless of time. Its life, nothing complete without its own bitter and sweet, sugar and spice. Everyone has their own opinion, own attitude towards a certain matter, I definitely have mine. Could it be so wring to stand up to my own beliefs and just be who I am? I'm not trying to dictate anyone to follow or be who I am, could you just leave me alone.
And yes, sincerity comes into play. You thought a person is genuine, tells you stuff, and expects you to do the same. All they care about is what, not why. It doesn't matter. All they want is to have a nice gossip over tea, and then judging will come in handy. Oh, we think you shouldn't this and shouldn't that, but we're not telling you. We're just telling each other cause you're not worth telling. Wow, such friends right.
One day you people will learn the hard way of life, not getting everything you want, being left out, and being cursed by the day you were born. That day you will look back and wonder, this is how it feels to be an outsider in a place you call home, to be a stranger to people you call friends. Oh, by the way if you think people don’t know, they will eventually find out. It’s just a matter of time. I was not looking for it, I just happen to stumble upon it, other people might too.
Everyone around you is your enemy. They just want to hurt you, bring you down, and celebrate the day you will be walking looking down at the dirt on your shoes, not being able to look up ever again. I wonder who taught me that. Anyway, it's true.
I wonder who you think you are when you dictate people not to befriend others, when you spread rumours about people and then act as if you are so pious and the word is unfair towards you. Face it; life, world, and everything in between will never be fair. Maybe you should grow up a little, open your eyes a little, have faith a little. Maybe, just maybe then, you will try to treat others as equals, and emphasize more. Nope, it's not your fault for feeling that you are too good for others. Oh, you didn't notice that it was the signal you're sending to everyone? Then maybe I'm the one being prejudice toward you, and if it's true, then I'm sorry, really from the bottom of my heart.
I've found my secret keeper. I hope this one is for life.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
I was speechless, didn't know what to say.
At that point, I wonder, how much can one take. This friend of mine has already lost both of her parents, now her youngest brother.
I could never be as strong as her.
I hope that she'll make it through, be strong, as we will always be by her side, not matter where life takes her to. She is a wonderful friend, a great listener, an excellent adviser. And I love you, from the deepest depth of my heart.
Be strong sayang. I'll be here for you.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Kids. It's easy being one of them. When you cry, all you need is you mummy to hold you tight, or a pacifier and the world seems to be a happy place to live in again. You don't even remember that you've cried, and you'll be on top of the world once more.
As we grow up, the world seems to say that crying is wrong, that there is no need to shed tears. As we grow up, we tend to cry for different things. We cry in disappointment, we cry when our hearts get broken, we cry when there's no one to turn to, especially when we are at the bottom and the worst state of our lives.
I wish I don't have to grow up.
What does growing up means? Sometimes I see it as not being to express yourself, not being able to show how you feel. Worst, it means you're vulnerable to feelings that could hurt you, slice you into pieces. It means you have to do things on your own, and depend on no one but yourself, trust no one but your heart, and if that fails you too, nothing is there to hold on to.
We make mistakes in life, decisions that changes who we are, who mould us into the person standing today. Sometimes it seems like it would not matter, the changes in life, but when you look back, it hurts deeply as you wonder all the "What ifs" and "Could it be".
Wondering would change nothing. You can't turn back time, not even a single second. All you have is now, this time, this moment.
I just hope that one day, when I look back, I would be able to smile.