I spent the weekend at Mama's since adik and Aty was going to start their first paper of SPM on Monday. Seeing them study and all, makes me miss my times in high school, everything that happened, my friends, my teachers, my friends from outside school and those who made my high school life bearable.
It has been almost six years since I finished my SPM. Time does fly, and when I think about it, it is as if I can see that whatever happened, happens for a reason. Things that I was so devastated about in the past, that would make me cry for days seemed like the things that made me stronger each day.
Almost five years ago I gave up my dream of studying abroad and went to a local medical college due to some unavoidable circumstances. Only God knows how sad I was then. Studying abroad was my childhood dream, I wanted to go back to where I grew up, simply as I never felt like I have ever fit in here. I don't have any friends there, nor was I ever in touch with any of my school mates then, but I wanted to be there so badly.
Since I was in primary school, I had the feeling of not belonging. My thinking was different, my acts were different. Going through high school was a roller coaster ride and I found my best friends there. But that was it. After we finished our SPM, we went our own ways. Though we still met up for dinners and slumber sessions, but things will never be the same. I can't just run to them when I was sad and we are now busy with our own obligations and responsibilities.
University life was totally different than anything, though come to think about it, it was just a mixture of people not able to let go of their childhood and those who thinks their too cool for school and a rare bunch of normal kids. Me? I'm the outcast. I never felt like I would ever fit in, though I tried. And in the end people just look at me like I'm faking it, and I decided to exclude myself from anything that could bring harm to my emotions anymore. Trying to fit in, just to be excepted is exhausting, and in the end I'm just never good enough and I know it. I stay close to the people who I know will be there for me, and I thank God I have found a handful of saviors.
Anyway, I went through my first two years of medical school quite okay. I can tell for one thing that I was no longer the nerd I used to be. Maybe deep inside I was rebelling, and all I thought was that I just wanted to pass everything and get through with it. I stayed with my older sister though we didn't really talk much. Not that we were not close, she was too busy as she has just entered her clinical years and I was barely awake each time she got home.
As I entered my third year, my life turned 180 degrees. Adik went to a boarding school, in a campus where I once was, and trust me she was not easy to handle. The first NINE months that she was there was spent on the phone crying her heart out, telling me that she wants to quit. My parents are not around and I had no idea what to do. All I could do was to talk to her and calm her down.
But what she did affected everything, my emotions, my studies and my time. I'm not a parent, and I have no idea of how to console a crying child in a boarding school. I wouldn't say that boarding school to me was all flowers and butterflies, but I'm sure I didn't call my parents crying my heart out. I distanced from friends who tried to help me as I was mad if they got mad at me for always entertaining adik's emotional blast and in the end I was cranky most of the time. All I wanted was someone to talk to and no one was there. I hate it when they question my actions in such an accusing manner, I hate it that the only person that I used to talk to was thousands of miles apart and that I couldn't reach to, I hate it that I was to blame if anything went wrong when I have poured my heart and soul into it, and I hate it when I was accused of being irresponsible and pampering.
But every dark cloud has its silver lining. Apart from me being an emotional wreck and depressed most of the time, and apart from not concentrating in class and jeopardizing my studies, what happened brought us, kakak, adik and I closer together. Not that we were not close before, but we became inseparable. I learn the qualities of parenting (single parent, mind you) and how to tolerate with stress. In the end, I think I became a better sister. I learned to listen to adik's problem and helped solving them, I learned to be patient and generous, I learned to divide my time between my own luxury, my studies and my family.
When I realize that adik is ending her school days soon, I get really emotional. My baby sister is finally a grown up, and I hope that we will be close like this forever.
My life has not been all happy. I lost a lot of things along the way, mainly my dreams and my first love. Yet I gained a lot as well. Sometimes when we are denied from something that we want, we will always find ways to blame and point fingers without realizing there are a million other better things waiting for us to reveal. I'm still learning to be satisfied with all that I have, and I know that if I work hard enough, someday my dreams will come true. And if it does not, then it is just not meant to be and there is something better stored for me, someday :)
I really hope adik does well in her exams. I'm just like a proud parent :P
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