Loneliness..

Sometimes you feel all alone even when you are standing right in the centre of a noisy crowd, not being able to relate yourself with their jokes, not being able to at least pretend to laugh. This is a feeling of emptiness, a feeling of loss and lonely. You feel that no one could ever cover up the large hole made in your heart, that you will hurt forever, that it is too hard to bounce back and you have forgotten who you used to be. It will feel like you are stuck and could not move, numb by each second that passes you by and hurt, simple hurt by each breath you take.

Your heart will never listen to you. even how hard you try to mend it on your own, even how much you try to convince it that time will heal and you will be okay in the end, it will never work. Some people may leave an impression on others, and some just pass others life feeling they meant nothing and is not valued.

But everyday we meet different people. How much a person affects us depends on how much influence he or she has on you. The world might think that they're nobody, but they are the world to you. They leave prints in your heart with every action and spoken word, and it is difficult to accept a feeling of lost when they no longer exist in our lives.

This is when we will feel worthless, neglected and unwanted. Feelings that will lead us to think that we are not worth it, and that we have to be punished.

It is true life will never be the same without these people that influence a lot in us, but who says that difference is something bad? When one door closes, others open to give you new opportunities and hope, just don't stare too long at the closed door till you missed the opened one.

It hurts. It really does. But life will still proceed. The show must go on...

Love found and lost...

The greatest thing you'll ever lean is to love and be loved in return..
- Moulin Rouge (2001)

Love is not just a four letter word being said to draw attention to you, to have someone to care for you or worst to act as if you're really wanted in another person's life. It is just a short, little and simple word yet may bring a thousand meanings once it is said.

Everyone dreams that the love that they feel for another, or the relationship that they share is true. I do not believe anyone would want to hurt someone so bad till they would want to break another person's heart. It is difficult to sometimes believe that someone you know as a very kind and soft person could turn mean when dealing with love.

Since I was a little girl, I have always dream of a fairytale love story of my own, how my prince would one day come and save me from a fierce firing dragon and led me onto his white stallion and at last bring me to his castle where he will say his vows of love to me and we would live happily ever after. Yes, I know... Major lameness. But hey, I was a young girl once and I had dreams before. Now I realize such fairytales do not exist. It's just the harsh cold world out there, waiting for the next victim to be swallowed into it.


I've seen people with broken hearts, I've seen people with broken limbs because of their broken hearts. I might have broken some hearts before, and it might have hurt just as badly, or worst. That's life. My sister told me that her friend once said that if your boyfriend or girlfriend dumps you, just see it as he or she is doing a big favour to you. It may be a very harsh way to say that he or she is not good enough for you, so NEVER take it the other way round. Sometimes you just meet the wrong people in life and eventually you'll meet the right one. Only lucky ones will immediately meet the right one and know it on the dot. Others may have found the right one but is still yet to discover that the person in front of them is the right one. Confused? Well, it's always like that. Life it not as simple as it may seem.

To love someone is not wrong, even when it is for the wrong person as by time, you will learn to be stronger and give out your love wiser. I've always wondered how would I know if a person is meant to be with me - forever? The answer is I will never find out till i have breathe my last breath on this earth, then I would know.

So to those people who are heartbroken, or heartbrakers for that matter, just know that one day true love will be right in front of you, and just pray that time you will not be too blind to see it.

Glaucoma

As you all know, my best friend has been diagnosed with glaucoma last September. Immediately after she told me that, I googled it up online. Well, let me share what it is about...

Glaucoma is a group of diseases of the optic nerve involving loss of retinal ganglion cells in a characteristic pattern of optic neuropathy. Raised intraocular pressure is a significant risk factor for developing glaucoma (above 22mmHg). One person may develop nerve damage at a relatively low pressure, while another person may have high eye pressure for years and yet never develop damage. Untreated glaucoma leads to permanent damage of the optic nerve and resultant visual field loss, which can progress to blindness.

Glaucoma can be divided roughly into two main categories, "open angle" or chronic glaucoma and "closed angle" or acute glaucoma. Angle closure, acute glaucoma appears suddenly and often with painful side effects and so is usually diagnosed quickly, although damage and loss of vision can also occur very suddenly. Open angle, chronic glaucoma tends to progress more slowly and so the patient may not notice it until the disease has progressed quite significantly.

Glaucoma has been nicknamed the "sneak thief of sight" because the loss of visual field often occurs gradually over a long time and may only be recognized when it is already quite advanced. Once lost, this damaged visual field can never be recovered. Worldwide, it is the second leading cause of blindness. Glaucoma affects one in two hundred people aged fifty and younger, and one in ten over the age of eighty.

Symptoms

To begin with there may be no symptoms, so it is important to have regular eye checks to diagnose the disease. Patchy peripheral vision is sometimes noticed as the nerve cell layer is affected and there is often a loss of contrast sensitivity. A contrast sensitivity test should be performed along with a field test to measure visual loss. A field test has to be performed by an ophthalmologist or optometrist, but a contrast sensitivity test can be performed regularly at home. If any loss of contrast sensitivity is detected an eye specialist consultation is recommended.

Risk factors

Ocular hypertension (increased pressure within the eye) is the largest risk factor in most glaucomas, but in some populations only 50% of patients with primary open angle glaucoma actually have elevated ocular pressure.

Those of African descent are three times more likely to develop primary open angle glaucoma. People who are older, have thinner corneal thickness, and myopia also are at higher risk for primary open angle glaucoma. People with a family history of glaucoma have about a six percent chance of developing glaucoma.

Many Asian groups, such as Mongolian, Chinese, Japanese, and Vietnamese, are prone to developing angle closure glaucoma due to their shallower anterior chamber depth, with the majority of cases of glaucoma in this population consisting of some form of angle closure. Inuit also have a twenty to forty times higher risk than Caucasians of developing primary angle closure glaucoma. Women are three times more likely than men to develop acute angle-closure glaucoma due to their shallower anterior chambers.

Other factors can cause glaucoma, known as "secondary glaucomas," including prolonged use of steroids (steroid-induced glaucoma); conditions that severely restrict blood flow to the eye, such as severe diabetic retinopathy and central retinal vein occlusion (neovascular glaucoma); ocular trauma (angle recession glaucoma); and uveitis (uveitic glaucoma).

Primary open angle glaucoma (POAG) has been found to be associated with mutations in genes at several loci. Normal tension glaucoma, which comprises one third of POAG, is associated with genetic mutations.

There is increasing evidence that ocular blood flow is involved in the pathogenesis of glaucoma. Current data indicate that fluctuations in blood flow are more harmful in glaucomatous optic neuropathy than steady reductions. Unstable blood pressure and dips are linked to optic nerve head damage and correlate with visual field deterioration.

A number of studies also suggest that there is a correlation, not necessarily causal, between glaucoma and systemic hypertension (i.e. high blood pressure). In normal tension glaucoma, nocturnal hypotension may play a significant role.

There is no clear evidence that vitamin deficiencies cause glaucoma in humans, nor that oral vitamin supplementation is useful in glaucoma treatment

Various rare congenital/genetic eye malformations are associated with glaucoma. Occasionally, failure of the normal third trimester gestational atrophy of the hyaloid canal and the tunica vasculosa lentis is associated with other anomalies. Angle closure induced ocular hypertension and glaucomatous optic neuropathy may also occur with these anomalies. and modelled in mice.

Those at risk for glaucoma are advised to have a dilated eye examination at least once a year.

Well, to those who thinks that you might be in risk of having this, please go and check with your doctor before it is too late as everyone relies on their eyes. Just be grateful for what we have and who we are today

Silver lining in the gray clouds...

Just a few months back I was chatting with my best friend online and she told me the most shocking news ever, that she is coming back (I've already known this) to Malaysia in December and that she is going to have a surgery (major shock!!) in January!! The doctors in Melbourne diagnosed her with glaucoma which is actually something to do with the optic nerve being compressed and all.

I feel you Iqah *sob*sob*

So, she was admitted into PPUM for the operation on the 5th of January and was operated the following day. I was too busy that week that I couldn't find time to go and visit her. Unlucky for her, the doctors found out that something was leaking (I know I'm a medical student, but I really dunno what the heck went wrong.. maybe the sutures...) and she had to be operated again on Thursday.

So that weekend, Eri, Adib, Pina, Zack and I went to visit her in PPUM. Eri, Adib and Pina had already stayed over at my place the previous night since they went to SSP on Friday to pick up some certificates.

It was a bit difficult to find her ward where she was admitted as the building was being renovated and we were not really familiar of it. Thanks to the no-help-at-all-elevator guy which was really cinical and also an abang who was too-friendly, at last we fount ward 7 E T. When we arrived, she was there waiting. She told us that she was really bored and cold *the aircond was crazy!*. She also said that she hopes to be able to be released soon as she feels even worst being in the hospital.


I hope she gets well soon. I really want to hangout and share gossips with her. She is going back to Melboune in the end of February. I hope to get a few outings with her by then. She really needs to get updated and get on par with Eri in the gossip business. LOL =P

Just get well soon Iqah.. I miss you!!

me and my Iqah

Sara Aqeela & Emir Mikhael

I miss them SO much!~

I wish I could have spent more time with them, especially baby Mika and accompanying Sara swimming and playing around - singing and dancing (her favourite). Now she's back in UK, and I miss her and her baby brother so much. I do miss Kak Dian and Abg Nain too... these are a few photos of the winter I spent with them in Malaysia....

I can't wait for them to come back, or for my chance to go and visit them there. I just miss the moments spent with them as it is like puching the pause button to all the other stuff in the world and just concentrating on having fun. Bottom line is, I just miss them... too much... =(

1st January 2009

zomg!~ I think like I'm taking ages to actually finish up this post!!! crazyness.... haih... well, my 1st day of 2009 is a mixture of fun + stress.. I went to Izzat and Izzaty's birthday party which made me deviate from my studies for the finals for like half a day, and ending up feeling guilty about it for the rest of the day... anyway, I did not regret going to Rawang (my first time driving far far away - ALONE) as it was indeed an extremely fun party...

Izzat, Happy birtday!~
Izzaty, Happy Birthday to be
(her birthday is on the 8th of January)

These are among the bits and pieces taken on that day. Anyway, immediately after I came back I had to study for my Behavioural Science Final Assessment. *sigh* What a way to start a ney year, aite?