Everything Goes Wrong

You know, those days when nothing seems to be in place to the extend you can't even keep a strand of hair at the right spot. Those days when you just feel like snuggling in, putting on loud music underneath the blankets and get lost. When you feel like no one understands you, and that you might just give up?

Today is one of those days.

Well, I am glad I have a dad who will always try to push me and put me back into place. You see, being a girl it is so nice to gossip all the time, talk about life, talk about people and what's happening around us. And most of all, it is so nice to complain, to judge and to point out fingers to everyone else. It is sad, really sad.

Today I called my mom, I complained to her about everything that happened today, in the same time blurting out angry words from my mouth. That was when my dad heard me and stopped me, and I got a nice 30minute scolding of being nice and polite.

After I hung up I made some serious thinking. What my parents say were true. I don't have to dwell, or even care about what people do or say, because as long as I know I am doing the right thing, it shouldn't matter. My dad said, people who talks bad about others, whose mouth is always filled with bad and vulgar words, and who likes to complain, even their face will be dark with negative aura.

So that's it. I'm gonna change my life and put positive vibes in it. No more complaining, no more talking behind backs, no more dwelling about mistakes. From now it is learning from mistakes, take the good, and leave the bad!! Hello new days, this is a new me, God willing 

Overly Attached

Have you not know that I am overly attached to most of the people/things around me? Having Aleesya just made things more defined - I am overly attached on a whole new level now!

Every day before I go to work I would at least cuddle her, and memorise her scent. At around 10, after rounds, I'll call home to make sure she's alright. And once I'm home I can never let her out of my sight.

Sometimes when she sleeps I would watch her and wonder how did I get things right, to be blessed with her. I'm not perfect, far from being nice, but each day I'm trying to learn and to improve for her sake.

In a few more days (two weeks to be exact) I'll be starting my fifth posting, and during this posting I wont be able to takr any off days, unless I use up my leaves. I don't know how I'm going to get through 4 months without any leaves, I just hope Aleesya will understand. I made the decision to join this posting to enhance my skills before I get posted to the district, and that I will need this for my career in the future. What is 4 months as compared to a lifetime? 

If I can bring Aleesya to work, I really would! Not seeing her for 10-12 hours a day kills me softly inside. That's why if hubby and I are planning for an after work outing, I'll usually head home to pick her up first! Now I understand why I see people bringing their children out at night. After a whole day at work, I bet you would want to spend some time with your baby, right?

Abrupt change of subject - I'll be on a one week leave starting next week!!!! I only have a couple of days in clinic, then one day in the ward and one night shift to complete before I'm totally out. Honestly, I have mixed feelings about leaving the department. To miss it completely would be too much, but to not miss it at all will be a lie. Maybe, I do have some good memories here, and some good people that I have come to know of. But no, I wont come back. 

So my plans for the holiday? I guess I have to discuss that with hubby. He's not on leave and since he'll be leaving me this weekend to go fishing, I don't think he can take any leaves anymore. Sigh. I don't even think we have time for a short gateway. But I'm planning to bring my baby to the baby spa in Publika somewhere in the middle of the week! It has been ages and I really hope I can really bring her there this time!

Abrupt change of topic again - I love medicine. Being a doctor is my passion, but I am not sure if I just want to stop at this. Am planning something for the long run. I hope my parents will approve.

Oh well. Watched Spidey tonight. And I cried when Gwen died. 😭😭. It was just too sad!!! Sigh. 

Can I just travel the world and not bother?

Demand

Aleesya is so grown up now, sometimes I wonder where all the time has been? She's now 8months++ and is really active that sometimes I would just like to hug her and make her be still, but no avail. She'll wiggle her way out to reach for a toy or anything that is in her interest.

Lately she's been exploring the art of walking, and trust me, it is not doing any good to my back. She demands to walk - everywhere! Literally!! And if we carry her she'll just cry. 

But the good thing is, she is really easy to distract so we'll come out with noises and voices to make her be still.

Sayang, why are you growing up so fast? I still want my little baby...

It melts my heart each time she jumps to reach for me when I come back from work, and how clingy she is when I am around. I feel bad for not always being there for her, but I hope she'll understand.

I love you sayang, to the moon and back!

Because of You

My life has changed completely, in a way I never thought it could be. You showed me that it is possible to love a person you've never met before. You showed me how to open up and to love limitless.

I have never imagined myself loving this much, its like my heart is so full of it, yet it can still fill up more.

I have never had the courage to change, to be honest with myself, and to be patient.

Mostly, you've showed me that being me is enough to earn love.

Thank you, my beautiful daughter, Fayruz Aleesya.

I love you