I need to write again. I don't have another outlet. A lot has happened since the last time I actually spent to write. Sometimes I don't because I can't begin, or I can't end it. It just feels incomplete, and it ends up being a draft. I think I have more drafts then my posts now. LoL
I need to be strong, need to be there, need to endure. But I really don't know the ending. Like a never ending story. I can't figure it out. I'm scared.
I'm at a junction, to proceed, to not. It really is confusing.
I read my previous blog posts, thinking how easy it used to be for me to pour out my feelings. Like really, really easy. Right now, my feelings are just jumbled up, and I don't know what exactly I'm feeling anymore.
I'm hurt. I am. I don't deny it. I have no one to talk to. No one understands, no one will.
Sometimes it feels just a little bit lonely, and that is when I feel like breaking into a million pieces, to just run away, to be far far away, where nothing can touch me, nothing will hurt me.
But I care too much. And when I care, I love. And me to love, I don't just walk away.
Someone once told me that my love is touchable, it is like a physical thing that can be felt not just by the heart, but by everything. My ex once told me that anyone would love to be loved by me. I don't know if it is true, but I know no other way to love.
I guess it is true when they say that growing up sucks. It does, big time. When I was younger, all I could care about was my knees being scrapped, or if my tummy was hungry. Now? It's like there's just a million things waiting to gobble me up, just waiting for me to fall, to fail.
Can I just wake up one day, just one day, not caring? Just one day for myself?