I'm Here To Stay

Life is funny sometimes. When you thought that you've had it all played well, with a future you are almost certain of, comes another event that makes you question all the things you've decided in life. You wonder if this is all that it is, or that would you deserve more. And worst, you start to hope.

I've always known that you have to fight for love, to be loved

And it is not that you can't live without that person, you just choose not to.

But sometimes the funny tricks of time plays your heart for the millionth time and you think that there is no hope anymore. You just tear up without any apparent reason, trying to fill up the hole you feel with tears, so that at least it is filled up.

But your heart hurts anyway.

To Write Again

Guest Blogger

I need to write again. I don't have another outlet. A lot has happened since the last time I actually spent to write. Sometimes I don't because I can't begin, or I can't end it. It just feels incomplete, and it ends up being a draft. I think I have more drafts then my posts now. LoL

I need to be strong, need to be there, need to endure. But I really don't know the ending. Like a never ending story. I can't figure it out. I'm scared.

I'm at a junction, to proceed, to not. It really is confusing.

I read my previous blog posts, thinking how easy it used to be for me to pour out my feelings. Like really, really easy. Right now, my feelings are just jumbled up, and I don't know what exactly I'm feeling anymore.

I'm hurt. I am. I don't deny it. I have no one to talk to. No one understands, no one will.

Sometimes it feels just a little bit lonely, and that is when I feel like breaking into a million pieces, to just run away, to be far far away, where nothing can touch me, nothing will hurt me.

But I care too much. And when I care, I love. And me to love, I don't just walk away.

Someone once told me that my love is touchable, it is like a physical thing that can be felt not just by the heart, but by everything. My ex once told me that anyone would love to be loved by me. I don't know if it is true, but I know no other way to love.

I guess it is true when they say that growing up sucks. It does, big time. When I was younger, all I could care about was my knees being scrapped, or if my tummy was hungry. Now? It's like there's just a million things waiting to gobble me up, just waiting for me to fall, to fail.

Can I just wake up one day, just one day, not caring? Just one day for myself?

Of Writings and Memories

Hi. I think I haven't updated this blog in ages! Like really, where did 2014 go???? I only have a handful of posts for last year, and now it is already the 4th day of 2015! Sigh. I guess no one reads this page anymore. Oh well. Not that I write for others to read.

Why do I like writing? Because words written can be more powerful and sincere than said. Sometimes you get to shy to just say it. It also becomes a memory that you can always revisit. And that part I love the most. Revisiting, reliving old memories.

How was my 2014? It has been good. Guess what? I'm finishing my housemenship soon. In 2 weeks to be exact. Honestly, I don't really know how to feel. I'm glad, that is for sure, and most of my friends has completed theirs. So I guess it is time for me to move on. It is the uncertainties of what lies ahead that troubles me. I don't know where I will be, I don't know how it will be. I'm scared. Really...

Most of my friends are separated now. And it saddens me, knowing that I might never be able to work with them, ever. But I think with the latest social network stuff, it is not difficult to keep in touch, as long as we want to. Sigh.

Being a grown up is so difficult sometimes. I have to decide on things that used seem so simple. You tend to look back and wonder if all the decisions that I've made were right. Guess I'll never know, huh?

Anyway, I am so gonna enjoy my next two weeks!!! Wohooo...

And... I'll TRY to update as much as possible. Mostly, for myself. heeeeeee :)

Everything Goes Wrong

You know, those days when nothing seems to be in place to the extend you can't even keep a strand of hair at the right spot. Those days when you just feel like snuggling in, putting on loud music underneath the blankets and get lost. When you feel like no one understands you, and that you might just give up?

Today is one of those days.

Well, I am glad I have a dad who will always try to push me and put me back into place. You see, being a girl it is so nice to gossip all the time, talk about life, talk about people and what's happening around us. And most of all, it is so nice to complain, to judge and to point out fingers to everyone else. It is sad, really sad.

Today I called my mom, I complained to her about everything that happened today, in the same time blurting out angry words from my mouth. That was when my dad heard me and stopped me, and I got a nice 30minute scolding of being nice and polite.

After I hung up I made some serious thinking. What my parents say were true. I don't have to dwell, or even care about what people do or say, because as long as I know I am doing the right thing, it shouldn't matter. My dad said, people who talks bad about others, whose mouth is always filled with bad and vulgar words, and who likes to complain, even their face will be dark with negative aura.

So that's it. I'm gonna change my life and put positive vibes in it. No more complaining, no more talking behind backs, no more dwelling about mistakes. From now it is learning from mistakes, take the good, and leave the bad!! Hello new days, this is a new me, God willing 

Overly Attached

Have you not know that I am overly attached to most of the people/things around me? Having Aleesya just made things more defined - I am overly attached on a whole new level now!

Every day before I go to work I would at least cuddle her, and memorise her scent. At around 10, after rounds, I'll call home to make sure she's alright. And once I'm home I can never let her out of my sight.

Sometimes when she sleeps I would watch her and wonder how did I get things right, to be blessed with her. I'm not perfect, far from being nice, but each day I'm trying to learn and to improve for her sake.

In a few more days (two weeks to be exact) I'll be starting my fifth posting, and during this posting I wont be able to takr any off days, unless I use up my leaves. I don't know how I'm going to get through 4 months without any leaves, I just hope Aleesya will understand. I made the decision to join this posting to enhance my skills before I get posted to the district, and that I will need this for my career in the future. What is 4 months as compared to a lifetime? 

If I can bring Aleesya to work, I really would! Not seeing her for 10-12 hours a day kills me softly inside. That's why if hubby and I are planning for an after work outing, I'll usually head home to pick her up first! Now I understand why I see people bringing their children out at night. After a whole day at work, I bet you would want to spend some time with your baby, right?

Abrupt change of subject - I'll be on a one week leave starting next week!!!! I only have a couple of days in clinic, then one day in the ward and one night shift to complete before I'm totally out. Honestly, I have mixed feelings about leaving the department. To miss it completely would be too much, but to not miss it at all will be a lie. Maybe, I do have some good memories here, and some good people that I have come to know of. But no, I wont come back. 

So my plans for the holiday? I guess I have to discuss that with hubby. He's not on leave and since he'll be leaving me this weekend to go fishing, I don't think he can take any leaves anymore. Sigh. I don't even think we have time for a short gateway. But I'm planning to bring my baby to the baby spa in Publika somewhere in the middle of the week! It has been ages and I really hope I can really bring her there this time!

Abrupt change of topic again - I love medicine. Being a doctor is my passion, but I am not sure if I just want to stop at this. Am planning something for the long run. I hope my parents will approve.

Oh well. Watched Spidey tonight. And I cried when Gwen died. 😭😭. It was just too sad!!! Sigh. 

Can I just travel the world and not bother?

Demand

Aleesya is so grown up now, sometimes I wonder where all the time has been? She's now 8months++ and is really active that sometimes I would just like to hug her and make her be still, but no avail. She'll wiggle her way out to reach for a toy or anything that is in her interest.

Lately she's been exploring the art of walking, and trust me, it is not doing any good to my back. She demands to walk - everywhere! Literally!! And if we carry her she'll just cry. 

But the good thing is, she is really easy to distract so we'll come out with noises and voices to make her be still.

Sayang, why are you growing up so fast? I still want my little baby...

It melts my heart each time she jumps to reach for me when I come back from work, and how clingy she is when I am around. I feel bad for not always being there for her, but I hope she'll understand.

I love you sayang, to the moon and back!

Because of You

My life has changed completely, in a way I never thought it could be. You showed me that it is possible to love a person you've never met before. You showed me how to open up and to love limitless.

I have never imagined myself loving this much, its like my heart is so full of it, yet it can still fill up more.

I have never had the courage to change, to be honest with myself, and to be patient.

Mostly, you've showed me that being me is enough to earn love.

Thank you, my beautiful daughter, Fayruz Aleesya.

I love you

From The Roots

They say that to nurture and instill good behaviour in children you have to start from the very beginning. Not by raising your voice or physical violence, but to make a firm statement and be firm with your decision. I guess it is something like 'no means no.' This way, the child will be able to recognise your tone when you are upset. 

When I was pregnant, if I don't have time to read the Quran I'll just play it while I sleep. Even after she's born, I noticed that she'll be quiet when I pray and making dua. I will always read my dua so that she can hear it too and she'll always smile when I mention her name.

Recently she has been very curious towards everything! Yesterday while Farid was reading the Quran she was jumping excitedly to be with him. 

I'm happy to be a mother and not a day goes by that I do not pray to become a better person for her sake. I'm far from perfection and I have a fair share of mistakes, flaws and sins that I have commited along the way. I just pray that I'll be able to improve every single day. I also pray that Aleesya will be a good muslim, be blessed in everything that she does and be rewarded Jannah in the hereafter.

My Baby Bump

Is it weird that I miss having my baby bump? 

During my pregnancy days, I used to feel alright, and I loved to go to work. I had so much energy at times I even look forward to work. Pregnancy has really bring out the best in me, and I totally miss it.

Motherhood on the other hand has been different. I feel 'lighter' but I do feel tired at times. Sometimes I wonder why, but then I realized that I do not miss being pregnant, I miss having my baby with me all the time!!

When she was still in my womb, I was able to talk to her all the time, feel her movements and also 'hugging' her when I feel like it. But now I just get messages with pictures of her having fun without me and it just breaks my heart with a 'I want to be there too' feeling.

Sigh. I'm grateful for having such good help in taking care of Aleesya. If not because of that, I would have been quitting my job. I can't imagine sending Aleesya to nursery and having to wonder about her all day. 

There are some days when working is so unbearable I just feel like laying on my bed with her. But everytime she smiles to me when I come home, all the tiredness that I feel will be wiped away and all I want is to repeat that smile across her face over and over again. I can even go on playing with her without sleeping after my night shifts and for me, that is HUGE! 

I want to be a role model to my daughter, someone successful so that she can look up to me and be proud. That is why I am enduring my days working. It is surely not easy, but I'm hanging on :)

Sleep?

When I was pregnant, I waited till the 7th-8th month to start reading on parenting books. Being a new mom, I know I have a lot to learn. And I'll also be a working mom, so there are a few additional stuff that I should add on too.

I never had any problems sleeping when I was pregnant. Here and there I read about how difficult it was for other pregnant ladies to sleep at night, but somehow that did not happen to me. I could sleep for hours!! And for that I am really grateful.

When Aleesya came to our nights, she woke up hourly for the first few days. It was really challenging for me as I had to wake up to feed her and my body was still recovering. But I had a lot of fun.

Eventually, her routine changed to two hourly, then three hourly, till she was about a month old where she'll wake up only once at 3-4am.

A few days back she started to sleep the whole night, after falling asleep at about 12.30 midnight. Initially I thought it was a one night thing, you know those nights when you'll get lucky :p but apparently the routine has been on till last night! Aleesya is finally doing her nights! 

When I told my friend who is also a mother, she was shocked as her three month old baby was still waking up at night. Honestly, I have no secrets to how I made Aleesya sleep through the night, and somehow I don't think I'm the one who made her sleep through.

But when I thought about it, I think it all comes down to one thing - communication. The first night that Aleesya slept through was when I was having fever due to a blocked duct, so I told her my condition and asked her if she wouldn't mind to let me sleep the whole night, and she did! I had this habit of talking to Aleesya since I was pregnant, and I somehow think she understands me.

I'm not an expert to advice moms out there, but all I can say is talk more to your baby. They understand you more than you know.

And to Aleesya, who will be reading this someday when she grows up, thank you, for being such a blessing to all of us :)

The Little Milk Addict

Since I was pregnant, maybe even before, I was a big fan and a true believer of breast milk. For one thing, it comes for free :p haha

I'm grateful that from my 32nd week of pregnancy, my body has been showing signs that I am, God willing, able to lactate. I've been reading a lot about latching and good foods for breast milk and everything, so when Aleesya came, I was ready.

The first time I fed Aleesya was immediately after she was out. I was really happy seeing that the sucking reflex of my baby is good, and that she was able to latch on well.

I am planning to breastfeed Aleesya till at least 2 years old, and I hope that my breastfeeding journey will be eased. Even before Aleesya was born, I bought all the essentials needed to be able to store my milk once I return back to work :)

I've been training Aleesya to be able to feed by bottle so that she will be able to take EBM. It has been successful at home, however I noticed that Aleesya refuses bottle when we're out. Maybe she's not comfortable taking bottle and feels more secure when she's closer to me :) So I've decided to just walk to the baby room whenever she's hungry. 

Outings and shoppings will never be the same again, but I am certainly havinh fun. If you have a date with me and I'm late, I think you can find me here...

Sometimes I get scared if Aleesya is too full or something as she keeps on demanding milk! But she is growing anyway, so I feed her on demand :) her weight has doubled up from birth, and she's even longer. Haha. She's fitting into her clothes better now. And me, being an overly attached mom, bought a bunch of clothes online for her! Hahah. Oh well, she is my daughter afterall :p

How My Day Starts

Lately my days have started rather early as Aleesya has been constantly waking up at 5.30am. She'll sleep at about 12 or 1 am, with no interruptions in between. Such a cutie.

Usually I'll have to feed her, then try to put her back to bed, which will only be successful after Farid has left for work. Such a daddy's girl. Huhu.

Then I'll put her on my bed and hug her as that's her favourite way to fall asleep, and sometimes I fall asleep as well!

Sigh. It's such a blessing to have you in our life, Fayruz Aleesya.

Aleesya's First Jab

Today marks Aleesya's 6th week of life! And she has a doctor's appointment for her first immunisation. 

I usually tell her if we're going to do anything new, so I told her about the jab and that it might hurt. I told her that it was okay to cry a bit, but not too much and that the jab is to make her healthy :)

Farid's working late today so he can't come to the hospital with us, so mama, bapak and little Dayyan brought us to the hospital instead.

Aleesya had to fast before the vaccine is given, so I fed her till she was full before leaving the house. She feeds two hourly, so I was rather worried that she might get hungry if the waiting line was long.

The first vaccine was given orally, and as Aleesya was already hungry, she did not reject it at all! The next one was a jab at her thigh. I was really worried, so I got mama to hold her while the doctor was injecting.

She did let out a cry which lasted for a whole 30 seconds, then went quiet. Sigh. She's such a good girl.

Now we are home happily and she is back in her comfort zone, on her bouncing chair with blankie and beanie ;)

Getting Ready

Life has definitely change for Farid and I with the presence of Aleesya. I wouldn't say that it is easy, but we are having fun learning day by day.

Yesterday marks the day I finish my pantang and we had a family outing + Baem's wedding.

Usually it will take about an hour for Farid and I to get ready before any date. But yesterday, we had to add up another hour to get our little princess ready.

The fuss was all about her. Is she full? Are her diapers wet? Have we pack her bag? How many extra diapers do we need? What about a change of clothes?

I made sure that Aleesya was full before we leave the house, as she'll be in the car seat and I don't want her to feel hungry and need to feed her while in the car as it will be rather dangerous. After feeding and burping her, I ended up with this on my skirt.....

This is totally a new experience for us and we are totally loving it. Aleesya on the other hand has been a really nice baby, even when she's not sleeping she'll be able to play by her own in her pram. 

Here's to many more family outings. What would I do without these two?

Titanic: Nothing On Earth Could Come Between Them

I remembered when Titanic was a big hit in the cinemas. I was only 9 I guess, and the first time I went to the movies was when I was 15, so instead of the movies, I watched it from a video tape (no CDs yet that time)

I was really moved by the whole love story, I even thought that the characters were actually real. Haha. I know, I'm silly that way.

I also LOVE the soundtrack - My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion. She has been one of my favourite singers of all time!!

It has been years since the last time I watched Titanic. Then today, it was on Fox Movies, and honestly I forgot how moving this love story is.

Ignore the nudity and everything else that is inappropriate in this movie, but you can't deny that this is definitely one of the most interesting love story ever. Just imagine if it were to be true. Haha. I remember collecting articles regarding this movie, how excited I was when it won awards and how in love I was with Jack Dawson. I remember and article where an 80 year old lady went to watch it for the 100th time as she was so moved by it. Titanic was also in the cinemas for such a longggg time!

Anyways, I'm done with my movie screening. Back to motherhood! Hehe

Papa's Girl

Farid started working when Aleesya was about two weeks old. Lucky for him most of the time he was in a periphery ward, so he was able to come home in the evening.

Aleesya was initially a bit grumpy when Farid first left for home, but since everyone was around, I guess she didn't mind.

A few nights back Farid was doing night shift, the first time after about a week and a half. 

So at 11+ I tried to put Aleesya to bed, changed and fed her as usual. But somehow she won't close her eyes. She was even grumpy and wanted to latch on though not feeding. 

We tried everything, from putting her in a dark room, singing, rocking.. Everything. Then it crossed my mind that maybe she's missing Farid since every night before bed Farid will be talking to her and lullabying her to sleep.

So I tool Farid's kain pelekat and wrapped her around it, offered feeding, and poof, she's asleep! 

Guess I'm not the only one who misses her papa that night.

Day by day she looks more and more like him, which is something that I don't mind at all :)

Sigh, Aleesya, mama loves you to the moon and back! 

Saying Goodbye

Is never ever easy.

Even if you've said it for a million times before, it will never be easy.

You see, my parents don't work here in Malaysia. And every year for the past several years they would be back in Malaysia a few times in a year, longest will be during summer. 

This year, since I've move into my own little space with Farid, it is easier for them to come to KL as they can just stay with us. The house isn't big, but it is cosy enough to accommodate all of us. 

During Ramadhan, daddy had work in KL and the duration of their stay in KL this year is longer than the previous years. Then baby Aleesya was born, so mummy stayed with me for three weeks.

Tonight both of them will be heading back to Kelantan, and on Friday they will be returning back to Dubai. It saddens me, and I believe baby Aleesya as well as she cried after mummy and daddy left. This year feels different, as I am now a mother.

Honestly, I am scared, and I am trying to plan ahead for my family and also take each day as it comes. I'm trying to learn to understand my baby, and her cries. Sometimes I freak out when she does a certain gesture that she has never done before, forgetting that she's growing and definitely developing new skills.

I miss having mummy here with me. I really-really do. I turn to her whenever I'm doubtful of something and she will always have something to say. I wish they didn't have to go back, and that mummy can just stay here with me, but daddy said that there's a few more years till he's ending his services there.

I know I'm still in the 'pantang' period and should not be feeling sad as it might lead to post partum depression, but let me just be sad for a while more. I miss my parents so much.

Good bye and have a safe journey atuk & nenek. Aleesya will be waiting for your next return home :')

Worries Of A Mom

Being a mother has changed me in many ways. For one thing, waking up in the middle of the night due to a slight sound is not impossible anymore, changing diapers over and over again, being wee wee-ed on and poo-ed on only brings laughter and joy to you and many more.

So a few nights back Aleesya started to have stuffy nose. She was unable to have continuous feed due to her blocked nose and was really frustrated. All this while she has been a good baby, but for the first time she demanded me to hold her even when she sleeps.

So yesterday I brought her to the doctor. She usual doctor was on leave so we had to see a different doctor. The doctor confirmed that it was only blocked nose and gave us nasal spray to help her clear it.

When Aleesya was given the spray she cried so loud, louder than I've ever heard her cry before! I was heartbroken, but this was for her own good. I hugged her tightly and she stopped crying immediately. Sigh. My eyes were filling up as well.

Aleesya's reaction after was priceless! I hope my little princess gets well soon. It is different to see your own child getting treatment, and when you are giving treatment yourself.

Please mama, don't let them put water in my nose anymore...

I'm praying hard, please mama, please...

She really is a little angel :)

Celebrations

At 19 days of life, we held a ceremony for Aleesya. I think this ceremony is a part of our Malay culture, called cukur jambul. 

So early in the morning, I dressed her up in her newly bought dress, fit for a little princess. She behaved so well during the whole ceremony (and even demanded feeding without crying). After the ceremony, the celebration of Eid continues with an open house.

Poor Aleesya was too tired but unable to sleep due to all the noise. But as soon as we got back to our little home, she was happily sleeping in her cot.

Nothing in the world can describe the love I feel for this baby. She is definitely my most prized possession, here and hereafter :)

 

Confinement

I've got nothing much to update about Eid since I've been spending it at home. I thought I would still be pregnant and huge during Eid but apparently my daughter and God has different plans for me.

So two days before Eid I was here....

Yup, in the labour room pushing out my beautiful daughter. I cannot express my feelings and up to this very day, everything seems surreal, still, even to me. Sometimes I'll just stare at her, admiring how beautiful she is, and thinking, "Wow, I'm a mom"

So yea, in our Malay culture, we have to undergo at least 40 days of confinement. Some people even go up to 100 days confinement. Confinement means eating selectively, having massages and bathing with some herbal water everyday to get your old shape back and to refreshen yourself inside and out.

I did not have my massage for 40 days, I'll die of boredom. I had it for 10 days, with herbal bath for 40 days and no outing for 40 days. I'm still strict on no cold water as I'm okay with it, but it almost kill me that I can't go out till I finish my confinement! And yes, no going up the stairs. At my in laws, my room is on the second floor, so Farid had to take all the stuff I needed downstairs. And so far, I haven't broken that rule as well. I stayed at my in laws for only a few days during this confinement period.

So the rest of my confinement is in my apartment with my mom and husband (who is working) and baby Aleesya :) My confinement lady is the best! She advised me to not take 'cold' and 'itchy' food, the rest is permissible. But mummy is still being awfully cautious and only cooks fish and chicken for me. 

For me, I have another 19 days till I officially graduate my confinement school. Farid kesian me so much he upgraded our astro and internet service. Hehe. Now I'm having everything that I need :)

Oh, I also have friends who come by and make my day bearable. It really is not easy, this pantang thing as I'm so used to being out most of the time. Post-confinement I have another thing to achieve - bottle feed Aleesya. I've been expressing milk and storing them for the future when I start to work, though the thought of working breaks my heart. Sigh. Such a clingy mom I am.

I am grateful that Aleesya is a good baby. She rarely cries if not for milk,and she can just lay around entertaining herself when she's awake. I'm praying that Aleesya will be a good baby and a good girl :)